The Primary Wound-Every Leader Has One

Photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash

In 2007 I attended a conference in Spain with a group of emerging and established leaders. I was in my first year of living overseas with my family in Italy and I was tired. The normal culture change anxieties were weighing in on me. But it ran deeper than that. I was tired in my soul. Moving overseas became a mirror that revealed several cracks in my life and leadership.

One of the advantages of that conference was the access to counselors. One of them happened to be a good friend of mine. So I jumped at the chance to meet with him and gain some perspective. Through that conversation, and several more, I formed the idea of a "primary wound." After years of working in leader development since that time, I firmly believe that every leader has a primary wound. Likely, most people possess this hurt.

The primary wound is usually experienced early in life and often through our family of origin. But it can also arise through close relationships, organizational hurt, or self-afflicted in nature. It can be a single event or season in life, but just as often, it can be a series of smaller events that add up over time and begin to form a banner over us. My primary wound is "not chosen." It has a companion wound called "not good enough."

I grew up an only child and my father traveled three weeks of every month throughout his working career. These realities created a few conundrums for me. As a young boy, there were some clubs I was interested in joining but you could not join unless your father came with you. Growing up as an only child with two working parents also created a desperation for friends and fitting in. Not unusually, boyhood activities revolved around pick-up sports. To this day I love athletics and sports but I am a very average athlete. Typically as teams were chosen on the playground, I was the last one chosen. I was often the one that the captain must take to round out the team, but never counted on for anything useful.

As I continued to grow up these messages were amplified in my mind. For me, there were two common responses to "not chosen." Either I would work hard to be accepted and liked or I would retreat into my shell and take few risks. Neither was a great path forward toward effective leadership. Through my coaching practice, I have heard some other significant primary wound banners: I am not good enough, I am too much, I will never be taken care of, I am unworthy of love, I must prove myself, and I have to succeed. I believe you can discern some primary wounds through the narratives of some of the leaders in the Bible: Joseph in the Old Testament, King Saul, Nabal, King Solomon, Peter, Demas, and Timothy.

Over time, primary wounds can greatly enhance or distort leadership. This gets to the point of our leadership presence. If we allow God to continually redeem and restore our wounds, the effect on our leadership presence can be one of growing empathy, authenticity, encouragement, and empowerment. If we remain unaware of our primary wound, and therefore not allow God to bring redemption and restoration, our leadership presence might be experienced as high control, manipulative, abrasive, or simply emotionally absent. Knowing and understanding your primary wound is a significant part of your overall leadership self-awareness.

Uncovering your primary wound takes courage and time. I am convinced that the destination is worth the journey. Below are some key steps toward considering and dealing with your primary wound.

1. Take time to reflect and consider what might be your primary wound. Use a journal to record your thoughts. What banner is hanging over you?

2. Seek out feedback from others who can offer further insight and validation.

3. Prayerfully consider how this wound has affected your leadership over time--positively and negatively.

4. Seek the Lord for deeper understanding, clarity, forgiveness, and resolution.

5. Determine some fresh affirmations and value behaviors that you desire to mark your leadership presence moving forward.

6. Pray

While I was attending that same conference in Spain, God uniquely met me there and provided me with a new banner. It is a Hebrew word that is often used in the Old Testament to describe God's view of Israel. The English transliteration of that word is "Segula." It means "treasured possession." God was showing me that I have been chosen by him and I am his treasured possession. I am not perfect. And "not chosen" still rears its ugly head. But slowly, I can see my leadership presence better reflecting one who is growing in humility, confidence, encouragement, and empowerment. May your journey be the same. The world deserves better leaders.

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